TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Every person a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A Trump Tower Damascus replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD may have change-down services."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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